メロンパン (dlo_azn) wrote,
メロンパン
dlo_azn

wow

i haven't used this in a long time.

today was just not a good day. in my words, using the small amount of pidgin influenced in my speak, it was 'junk'. it was the first day of class, which is in itself not exactly the happiest days. it started off 70 degrees, sunny, hot. and by 3pm it was cold, windy, and cloudy, and by the time i got out of class, it was pouring. japanese class seemed normal which i am thankful for. ECE120 was *so* boring. my friend johnny, the only one who i'm taking the class with, is thinking of dropping it. ECE181 was interesting, if it hasn't been in HSS1128A - the basement classes in HSS that just look depressing. and to top it off, thats when it got cloudy, so the room was dark (from what little window we had), gloomy, and just didn't give me a good vibe.

so tomorrow, i have this interview with northrop grumman for a summer internship. i don't know what position it is. i didn't apply for it. they just got my resume from the career fair and invited me to interview (along with a large portion of college students as well i'm assuming). so, this being my first actual opportunity, first real interview for any position, and first time my accomplishments and fallacies matter, i am scared to shit. it may not seem like it. but I have been dreading tomorrow for the last 4 or 5 days. i'm not sure exactly why. it could be that i just don't know what to expect. but i'm also worried that i'm just not good enough. and this will just prove to myself that i'm not. i'm a half-asser, i'm never in the top scoreres of the class, and that's partly because i don't put 100% of my time and effort into my classes. all my competition is hard-working, dedicated students who put aside all their time for this major. i just can't see myself doing that. which makes me wonder how i'm ever going to be able to handle working in this career.

talking with all my ECE peers in classes today made me realize that i'm just not on track. i keep trying to get myself back on, and start to think that i am, but i'm not. i can't kid myself and say i'm going to get out in 4 years because i'm not. i need 11 more ECE classes to finish, plus one GE and two minor classes. that's 14 classes, and i've already pledged after last quarter that i'm not going to do 5-class quarters anymore, which puts me at 4 years and a quarter, and that's if i can pull it off without any hitches. i feel like i'm not going as far as i should be, and especially this quarter where i'm only taking two engineerings (my other options/needs for ECE classes are all conflicts with my existing ECE classes, go figure), i feel like i'm still half-assing and i'm not making full use of my time and money. even if i can't help it because that's how classes are scheduled, it just bugs the crap out of me that i'm doing this.

speaking of last quarter, i will not lie and i'll say that i got the lowest GPA last quarter that i have ever gotten in college. i'm glad i passed ECE103 with a C+ because i was scared i would fail. but ECE107 hit me hard, i thought I pulled off maybe a B but got slapped with a C (and found out that Luo gave 80% of the class C's). I was relying on my last two grades that hadn't come out, ECE108 and POLI133A, to maybe help me a bit. I thought I had a slight chance of A-'s in both. nope. finally, the grades came out today. B+ in ECE108 and B in POLI133A. i was really mad about the POLI grade. but i think the grader is just a hardass. and ECE108.. well at least it was a B+, which gave me an extra .2 GPA to average with. so all in all, my quarter GPA lowered my cumulative by a full .1 points. i was really sad about this all day, on top of the shitty vibe i got from classes, as well as worrying all day about this interview tomorrow.

back to the interview. i've tried to prepare. i've tried to research NGMS. but it's a defense company. there's no huge list of accomplishments and projects because it all requires clearance. how the fuck am i supposed to research on that? i've been talking about it all day to everyone i interact with. what do i say? how should i look? do i have a chance? and all i ever hear is, "i'm sure it'll be okay." yes, i am thankful for the faith, but i can't have that faith given to me if i don't even have it in myself. because i really don't think i will. i'm actually scared of going in tomorrow. i don't want to flounder and realize that i'm not doing as well with this path as i make myself out to be. i talked to my dad for half an hour about what i should do. even he couldn't give me any specifics besides the usual how-to-dress-and-look-nice-and-speak-well and such. and he works for NG's competitor company! maybe he's just trying to make me step out on my own. i won't say i rely on my dad or plan to, but i do think i have some kind of safety string attatched to him, hoping that if i really do mess up or not get where i should be, he might be able to help me. i've never utilized it or planned to but i think it's just a subliminal thing that i can't get away from since he's in the same field i am getting into.

i feel like i'm in the dark. for this major, for my future, for tomorrow. i don't know what to expect, how to prepare, or if i'm qualified. i've only felt this over the last few days, maybe because of grades and this looming interview. i know everyone else has deeper problems or more complex worries because i worry about them everyday too. my closest friends all have more to worry about than i ever would have to. and this is the most i have to complain about. weak. i need to suck it up. just let me get through tomorrow so i can not worry about it anymore.
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