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メロンパンのLJ:ここにいつもgrammarとthoughtsが戦う。 [entries|friends|calendar]

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hai [12 Apr 2015|07:05pm]
why hello!


[24 Sep 2010|01:51pm]
hi LJ!

i haven't blogged in years. i sure do miss it.
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ads?? [02 Sep 2008|10:14pm]

LJ has ads now?? its totally F'ing with my LJ layout too.

but i'm too lazy to fix it.

HELLO LJ WORLD!!! [05 May 2008|02:20am]
i know i have completely disregarded my livejournal. so in an effort to show it some love, i will cross-post the last xanga i just wrote.

so plenty has happened since my last real xanga update. but i figure i should write everything in one giant clusterfuck of words and paragraphs that i won't force you through but hope you'll be inclined to skim. in a short summary, i am now officially going to UCLA for my master's of science in EE. UCSD rejected me after making me wait till the last day to accept for LA, only to rescind that and accept me for PhD 4 days later. 4 days too late, because I had already registered and setup at UCLA and my mindset changed to accept and prepare for as well as get excited about LA. i've moved out of playmor terrace, my home for the last 1.75 years and now live in deanna's room at IG. oh! and deanna's now a mom =D i'll be here till june and then moving everything home only to jettison off for an adventure in asia starting june 30th.

it's odd but slightly refreshing to be living in a new place, even if it's just for a month or two. it wasn't very fun moving my tons of crap over to a 3rd story apartment, but i managed it over a 2-week period. it's a nice little change of scenery for me whilst everything else remains static. it's definitely strange not living with kenny since he's been my roommate for 2 years. but i'll get used to it.

i haven't really thought about the end of my time in SD until recently when I realized that graduation for the '08 kids is coming up soon. and kelsey has been talking about her plans for the next 5 weeks and how it's all going by so fast. it reminded me of senior year last year and how everything seemed to peak and end so quickly, but it also made me realize that my life in san diego is officially going to be over in less than 2 months. i would definitely say i've been able to do a lot and enjoy a lot of san diego and will be able to walk away with hopefully few regrets or things i wasn't able to do. i've been to all the good spots to eat, a few ballgames, all the things you can do in PB, MB and OB, lived in mira mesa and la jolla, surfed, done some spirited motorcyling in the SD mountains, been to countless escapades downtown and in gaslamp, comic-con, the fair, the list goes on. a few things i haven't done but have always had a desire to to is see the zoo, legoland, TJ during the day, and a few other spots. but i think things overall have gone well and i can take away a good pack of memories from this place. unfortunately i just found out today that the lease here ends june 11th, not the end of the month, so unless we can get them to extend it 2 weeks (darius has finals too during that time), then i have to move again.

this last year since grad has gone by extremely fast and things have changed so much despite my routine monotony of work. a year ago i had no idea where i'd be, whether i'd still be in SD, if i would be working or doing more school, or what i really endeavored to do in life. slowly but surely i've been able to work all those things out and get to where i am now without much difficulty, which i'm glad for. i've been single for almost a year now, and i think that has been a big difference in my direction. i've been able to think wholly for myself and plan things for my future out without having to worry about anything but myself and my goals. it's a good thing. there's always that desire for something though, in the background, especially seeing a large majority of my friends with significant others, serious or not. maybe things will change soon, or when i hit school again. or maybe i just need something fun. whatevs. we'll see. now that i have everything set and planned for myself i can start thinking of other aspects of life. like what i'm gonna do with 6 grand that i saved up for a summer program i didn't get into.

which brings me to the next topic. summer. winston and i applied for ICU (uni in tokyo) for a 6-week language program in july. we were subsequently rejected. but! we decided to do our own damn intensive language program instead. we're gonna rent an apartment in tokyo for the whole month of july, and then travel elsewhere afterwards. flights are booked, we're leaving june 30th for narita, then august 6th to singapore, and then august 18th back. in between that, sometime around aug 1-5 we're gonna get some SEOULfood. and while we're in singapore hopefully we can hit up one or two of the countries accessible, such as thailand or malaysia. i'm pretty damn excited for this trip. i don't like getting my hopes up because i don't like getting disappointed, but how can you spend 2 months in asia and not come out with a good time? imma come back all bape-clad with stories galore of travel mishaps and culture shocked experiences.

so there's only 1.5 months left here and i am not going to figure out what i want to do with that time to make the best of it. the next several months -> years of my life are going to be packed, from end of SD to japan/singapore and then a few weeks home, and finally off to the next 2 years of school-based research-oriented bitchwork-performing journey as a graduate student. it's good to have that stability of knowledge of where i'm going to be. i didn't have that right after graduation until probably early this year, and now that it's solid, i feel much better about life and its challenges and prospects.

and so ends the mindstream. goodnight.
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[21 Oct 2006|02:40pm]
LJ, i am sad that i do not use thee very much. well, at least i don't use any blogs much anymore. maybe i've gotten past that phase, where i have to document every living moment of my life to the public so that i have something to look back on. maybe the mystery of the past, the fading of past memories combined with my horrible short term memory and short attention span will just make what was, more exciting to think about.

well i will remind myself and the world (which probably consists of about 1/3 of the LJ users who are friended, since no one uses this much either) that yesterday, i had an extreme moment of selfishness which affected one of the most important people in my life, and i will never, ever do something like that again.

time to go study now, mayhaps.

[18 Aug 2006|12:39am]
Vinh Cao Tran
September 27th, 1986 - August 17th, 2005

I found my dusty old senior year photo album a few weeks ago in SD and was looking through it and flipped to a picture with you in it, and it was weird. Just to think that it's been a year and you're no longer with us, and picture I put in there 4 years ago would pop back at me at this time. Seeing everyone there tonight at your memorial and seeing your (nice-ass, may I add!) tombstone yesterday strengthened the fact that no one will ever forget you. Ever.

[15 Aug 2006|08:31pm]
am i inadequate?
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[28 Apr 2006|05:10pm]
i just saw elisa's xanga with vinh's pictures. i got chills. i feel weird. i have a lot of thoughts right now but i have to go drive off to the desert for manzanar. so maybe next time =\

growing up [21 Apr 2006|02:16am]
growing up.

everyone talks about it. everyone says we need to do it. but when it actually comes, no one wants to do it. well, at least the people i know don't.

this year has been so different. everything's changing. i'm mirroring the same feelings as my bestest buddy colette. we can't just sit around and goof off and have fun anymore. we have to take things 'seriously'. we're old. we don't have the time to waste having fun. we have to think of our future. we have to think of the consequences of our actions. we have to take in an handle so many more things than we're used to or even previously capable of. nothing is 'fun' about this year. it's a slow progression of downhill, as that fresh feeling of college is finally letting the smallest remnants of itself that was left, slip down the drain.

today i thought long and hard about my schedule in college. i tried to plan it out in my head. i have been irresponsible with my courses, and because of that i don't have the direction i should. i played too much. i have to take this serious now. i tried to plan and schedule spring quarter so it would be 'fun'. so i'd have time to go to the beach, less classes (in quantity and quality) to have less work demand in order to relax in this wonderful spring season. and already it seems like the two classes i'm taking for engineering are overwhelming. JAPN190 is looking like a mighty chunk of work. and i'm still stuck in that spring mode, that beginning of the quarter, i don't want to do work i just want to have fun, state of mind. and i know i shouldn't be. because i have to get to work. i have to get cracking, study, take things seriously, grow up and move on.

i don't want to. i want to go back two years. i always say that. 'i miss my freshman year.' and i say it all the time because i do miss it. the carefree spirit, the easy classes, the 'fun' and new experiences. i still want that back. i really expected this quarter to have some of that soul in it. but within the first week one of my best friends threatened to kill himself, another one went to the hospital 2 days later, and no one is having 'fun'. within 2 weeks i'm left with this icky feeling inside, like i expected too much (and i never try to expect anything out of anything, lest i become disappointed at the outcome), and it's not happening. everything that's happened is going to take a long time to fix or get better. this isn't going to turn out like i wanted; no carefree spirit, freedom to slack, time to waste. i have to plan my future, work through issues, and finish this phase of my life. i have to grow up.

just like colette said about herself too, i thought i had defined myself. i felt like college told me exactly who i really am inside and who i will be. but i've realized that it hasn't. it's told me a lot, and college, i thank you a lot for that, but it's also shown me that who i am now or was a year ago can't stay like that. i can't keep expecting that how i feel about myself or what i think about myself now is going to stay as i get older. i feel like i'm changing; i don't know how, or what, or why, but i just feel like i don't always have a clear definition on who i am, what i want, where i want to be, or why anymore. i haven't doubted myself so much before, and i'm frustrated that i've started to so much. things are changing, paths are moving, the fog is lifting and i have so much crap ahead of me to work towards and get through.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. i remember how i was exactly a year ago. beginning to be lovestruck by a girl but after a short time already having been slightly rejected and feeling sad about it. but at the same time having so much more 'fun' stuff to do, think about, and plan that i got through it okay. i was taking lower division classes, and they were fun. the weather was lifting, i lived on campus in my little marshall community that i love, the beach was right there, OVT was there every night full of people i knew and 'fun' memories. i hung out with and talked to so many people. i didn't care about what i had to do next school year. all that mattered was i was having 'fun', enjoying myself, and not caring about what i had to do because i was in the middle of finding that out, and i had time to spare.

now, i live 10 miles from campus, commute every day back and forth. i barely keep up with people i used to talk to and see every day. people i thought i was decently close to turned out to be different than who i thought they were. activities, places, clubs i loved and treasured so much have slightly lost thier sparkle. i just have this general feeling of BLAH, like things are going okay and it's not bad, but it's not overwhelmingly good where i wake up with a smile on my face of go to sleep laughing to myself about something that happened that day. it feels more and more like the daily grind, the same routine, doing the same things, going to the same places. is that what work will be like? weekly routine and mediocrity? is this what i have to look forward to? this is what we have to grow up into?

take me back to 1st year so i can be a carefree little kid again. i hope all the freshmen and 2nd years understand why i always tell them to slack off, have fun, don't study so much and enjoy your time, because it's fading, and fading fast as you get older and grow up.

you're such a whiner and a melodramatic little bitch. jeez ryan, grow up.
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[13 Apr 2006|09:33am]
[ mood | numb ]

i thought i would feel a little better when i woke up today, but i don't.

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wow [05 Apr 2006|01:17am]
i haven't used this in a long time.

today was just not a good day. in my words, using the small amount of pidgin influenced in my speak, it was 'junk'. it was the first day of class, which is in itself not exactly the happiest days. it started off 70 degrees, sunny, hot. and by 3pm it was cold, windy, and cloudy, and by the time i got out of class, it was pouring. japanese class seemed normal which i am thankful for. ECE120 was *so* boring. my friend johnny, the only one who i'm taking the class with, is thinking of dropping it. ECE181 was interesting, if it hasn't been in HSS1128A - the basement classes in HSS that just look depressing. and to top it off, thats when it got cloudy, so the room was dark (from what little window we had), gloomy, and just didn't give me a good vibe.

so tomorrow, i have this interview with northrop grumman for a summer internship. i don't know what position it is. i didn't apply for it. they just got my resume from the career fair and invited me to interview (along with a large portion of college students as well i'm assuming). so, this being my first actual opportunity, first real interview for any position, and first time my accomplishments and fallacies matter, i am scared to shit. it may not seem like it. but I have been dreading tomorrow for the last 4 or 5 days. i'm not sure exactly why. it could be that i just don't know what to expect. but i'm also worried that i'm just not good enough. and this will just prove to myself that i'm not. i'm a half-asser, i'm never in the top scoreres of the class, and that's partly because i don't put 100% of my time and effort into my classes. all my competition is hard-working, dedicated students who put aside all their time for this major. i just can't see myself doing that. which makes me wonder how i'm ever going to be able to handle working in this career.

talking with all my ECE peers in classes today made me realize that i'm just not on track. i keep trying to get myself back on, and start to think that i am, but i'm not. i can't kid myself and say i'm going to get out in 4 years because i'm not. i need 11 more ECE classes to finish, plus one GE and two minor classes. that's 14 classes, and i've already pledged after last quarter that i'm not going to do 5-class quarters anymore, which puts me at 4 years and a quarter, and that's if i can pull it off without any hitches. i feel like i'm not going as far as i should be, and especially this quarter where i'm only taking two engineerings (my other options/needs for ECE classes are all conflicts with my existing ECE classes, go figure), i feel like i'm still half-assing and i'm not making full use of my time and money. even if i can't help it because that's how classes are scheduled, it just bugs the crap out of me that i'm doing this.

speaking of last quarter, i will not lie and i'll say that i got the lowest GPA last quarter that i have ever gotten in college. i'm glad i passed ECE103 with a C+ because i was scared i would fail. but ECE107 hit me hard, i thought I pulled off maybe a B but got slapped with a C (and found out that Luo gave 80% of the class C's). I was relying on my last two grades that hadn't come out, ECE108 and POLI133A, to maybe help me a bit. I thought I had a slight chance of A-'s in both. nope. finally, the grades came out today. B+ in ECE108 and B in POLI133A. i was really mad about the POLI grade. but i think the grader is just a hardass. and ECE108.. well at least it was a B+, which gave me an extra .2 GPA to average with. so all in all, my quarter GPA lowered my cumulative by a full .1 points. i was really sad about this all day, on top of the shitty vibe i got from classes, as well as worrying all day about this interview tomorrow.

back to the interview. i've tried to prepare. i've tried to research NGMS. but it's a defense company. there's no huge list of accomplishments and projects because it all requires clearance. how the fuck am i supposed to research on that? i've been talking about it all day to everyone i interact with. what do i say? how should i look? do i have a chance? and all i ever hear is, "i'm sure it'll be okay." yes, i am thankful for the faith, but i can't have that faith given to me if i don't even have it in myself. because i really don't think i will. i'm actually scared of going in tomorrow. i don't want to flounder and realize that i'm not doing as well with this path as i make myself out to be. i talked to my dad for half an hour about what i should do. even he couldn't give me any specifics besides the usual how-to-dress-and-look-nice-and-speak-well and such. and he works for NG's competitor company! maybe he's just trying to make me step out on my own. i won't say i rely on my dad or plan to, but i do think i have some kind of safety string attatched to him, hoping that if i really do mess up or not get where i should be, he might be able to help me. i've never utilized it or planned to but i think it's just a subliminal thing that i can't get away from since he's in the same field i am getting into.

i feel like i'm in the dark. for this major, for my future, for tomorrow. i don't know what to expect, how to prepare, or if i'm qualified. i've only felt this over the last few days, maybe because of grades and this looming interview. i know everyone else has deeper problems or more complex worries because i worry about them everyday too. my closest friends all have more to worry about than i ever would have to. and this is the most i have to complain about. weak. i need to suck it up. just let me get through tomorrow so i can not worry about it anymore.
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[21 Mar 2006|03:51am]
i've rarely been this worried about other people before.

[28 Feb 2006|09:59pm]
beth i miss ya.
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[02 Jan 2006|01:18am]
happy new year!
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[23 Oct 2005|07:02pm]

there is so much i didn't get to express. i was really hoping for december. i hope you felt my tears. i love you.

i'll see you soon.


ay ayating ka papang


[21 Oct 2005|12:58pm]
my grandpa passed away last night.

christino dumlao sr.

ay ayating ka
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goodbye [19 Aug 2005|02:57am]

it's like a surreal feeling. it feels like one big, horrible joke and the next minute i'm gonna hear that vinh's okay, he's woken up, and it wasn't as serious as everyone made it out to be. but i know that's not the truth. and i know that in several hours, he will no longer be with us. i haven't quite felt this or gone through something like this for a long time now. and like kim said, vinh's teaching us a lot right now. how to handle the loss of someone you knew, especially when it's at the hands of a complete stranger, who decided for one night to be irresponsible and drive drunk. he didn't deserve this, he didn't do anything wrong. life isn't fair, and this is the harshest way to learn that. especially for vinh. this was such an unnecessary loss. one little mistake, in that driver's eyes at the time he decided to get in his car, was felt by one in the ultimate way, and by hundreds in the worst kind of emotion.

i guess i'm learning that i shouldn't take friends for granted. just their presence, the simple fact that they're there and you are acquainted. because it can all be taken in a moment, with no warning, and you're just left with an unfinished path in your life. even if you don't talk to them every day, or have lost touch over the months or years... underneath anything that may or may not have been there, there's always that little bond that links you forever as people conscious of each other in this world. it doesn't matter what kind of impact they've had on you, as long as they've had one. and that will always last, even if you don't want it to, don't remember it, or don't realize it.

this is a small opportunity. but i want to grasp it and tell you. i love you all. best friends, friends, acquaitances. you're all a part of me, no matter how small.


Vinh Tran
September 27th, 1986 -- August 19th, 2005

vinh... have a safe journey up to that better place. it's so disheartening to know exactly when we're going to lose you. but if that's what is best, then i guess that's it. no one at our age should have to experience what you did. you fought hard, man.

see you soon.

there is a light that shines
special for you, baby


[17 Aug 2005|11:23am]

holy shit....

i don't know what to say................

i feel cold, chilled, numb, speechless. i don't know .. what to say..

haha i remember when you had to move to pleasanton cuz you had too much trouble with girls and your parents or somecrap.... you were 'that kid that jamie drove to school'.... when you got your LS, and was hella excited about an intake on it.... and then you got a freaking turbo kit but had to take it off... showing everyone how to glide at kim's parties... and even when i heard you had funk with alex and living there... and i cant believe you started with such a tight bike.. but a 600cc... man if only...

and the whole time i would just think, 'what a crazy ass kid'...

kim told me it was a hit and run... if you drive a car, PLEASE i beg you PLEASE be aware of riders on the road. just because we have one headlight and are 1/3 the width doesn't mean you can merge into us, cut us off, or just treat us differently than a car. don't drive like an asshole. share the fucking road. and if you do something or make a mistake like that driver, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and don't run away like a fucking coward.

rest in peace, vinh tran.
damn, we will miss you.

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[07 Jun 2005|05:06am]
so it's finals week... and for some reason i just really don't feel the stress. it's like this every quarter though. maybe because by this point i just don't care anymore. i mean, i study all the time but i have fun still. i took two finals today without batting an eye. two more on wed and last one on fri. im not stressing at all. maybe it's spring.

well, at least i have home to look forward to! i'll be back in the bay next wednesday in time for my sis's graduation!!! i'll chill in SD for a few days first w/ my HoMiEz and then make the journey home... spend a few weeks in the bay (preferrably not pleasanton), go on a family cruise, then back to SD for summer session!!!!

sorry FHSers, but i just don't feel the connection with home anymore. i'm sure yall feel the same way too. if not... maybe its just because i was so isolated down in SD from everyone else (except dentron and meenah). anyway, i hope to see you all over summer.

k back to studying.
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[05 Jun 2005|07:49pm]
Account type: Free Account
Date created: 2001-08-19 10:43:36
Date updated: 2005-06-05 01:56:29, 17 hours ago
Journal entries: 1,893

Comments: Posted: 2,357 - Received: 3,884

old skool baby.
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