everyone talks about it. everyone says we need to do it. but when it actually comes, no one wants to do it. well, at least the people i know don't.
this year has been so different. everything's changing. i'm mirroring the same feelings as my bestest buddy colette. we can't just sit around and goof off and have fun anymore. we have to take things 'seriously'. we're old. we don't have the time to waste having fun. we have to think of our future. we have to think of the consequences of our actions. we have to take in an handle so many more things than we're used to or even previously capable of. nothing is 'fun' about this year. it's a slow progression of downhill, as that fresh feeling of college is finally letting the smallest remnants of itself that was left, slip down the drain.
today i thought long and hard about my schedule in college. i tried to plan it out in my head. i have been irresponsible with my courses, and because of that i don't have the direction i should. i played too much. i have to take this serious now. i tried to plan and schedule spring quarter so it would be 'fun'. so i'd have time to go to the beach, less classes (in quantity and quality) to have less work demand in order to relax in this wonderful spring season. and already it seems like the two classes i'm taking for engineering are overwhelming. JAPN190 is looking like a mighty chunk of work. and i'm still stuck in that spring mode, that beginning of the quarter, i don't want to do work i just want to have fun, state of mind. and i know i shouldn't be. because i have to get to work. i have to get cracking, study, take things seriously, grow up and move on.
i don't want to. i want to go back two years. i always say that. 'i miss my freshman year.' and i say it all the time because i do miss it. the carefree spirit, the easy classes, the 'fun' and new experiences. i still want that back. i really expected this quarter to have some of that soul in it. but within the first week one of my best friends threatened to kill himself, another one went to the hospital 2 days later, and no one is having 'fun'. within 2 weeks i'm left with this icky feeling inside, like i expected too much (and i never try to expect anything out of anything, lest i become disappointed at the outcome), and it's not happening. everything that's happened is going to take a long time to fix or get better. this isn't going to turn out like i wanted; no carefree spirit, freedom to slack, time to waste. i have to plan my future, work through issues, and finish this phase of my life. i have to grow up.
just like colette said about herself too, i thought i had defined myself. i felt like college told me exactly who i really am inside and who i will be. but i've realized that it hasn't. it's told me a lot, and college, i thank you a lot for that, but it's also shown me that who i am now or was a year ago can't stay like that. i can't keep expecting that how i feel about myself or what i think about myself now is going to stay as i get older. i feel like i'm changing; i don't know how, or what, or why, but i just feel like i don't always have a clear definition on who i am, what i want, where i want to be, or why anymore. i haven't doubted myself so much before, and i'm frustrated that i've started to so much. things are changing, paths are moving, the fog is lifting and i have so much crap ahead of me to work towards and get through.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. i remember how i was exactly a year ago. beginning to be lovestruck by a girl but after a short time already having been slightly rejected and feeling sad about it. but at the same time having so much more 'fun' stuff to do, think about, and plan that i got through it okay. i was taking lower division classes, and they were fun. the weather was lifting, i lived on campus in my little marshall community that i love, the beach was right there, OVT was there every night full of people i knew and 'fun' memories. i hung out with and talked to so many people. i didn't care about what i had to do next school year. all that mattered was i was having 'fun', enjoying myself, and not caring about what i had to do because i was in the middle of finding that out, and i had time to spare.
now, i live 10 miles from campus, commute every day back and forth. i barely keep up with people i used to talk to and see every day. people i thought i was decently close to turned out to be different than who i thought they were. activities, places, clubs i loved and treasured so much have slightly lost thier sparkle. i just have this general feeling of BLAH, like things are going okay and it's not bad, but it's not overwhelmingly good where i wake up with a smile on my face of go to sleep laughing to myself about something that happened that day. it feels more and more like the daily grind, the same routine, doing the same things, going to the same places. is that what work will be like? weekly routine and mediocrity? is this what i have to look forward to? this is what we have to grow up into?
take me back to 1st year so i can be a carefree little kid again. i hope all the freshmen and 2nd years understand why i always tell them to slack off, have fun, don't study so much and enjoy your time, because it's fading, and fading fast as you get older and grow up.
you're such a whiner and a melodramatic little bitch. jeez ryan, grow up.